Some people are obsessed with cats, others with food, me? With SHINee.
Every one of us has had a difficult moment in life. We are here because something got us through that period of time – for many people it’s their families and friends, for others it’s hobbies, positive thinking, stubbornness or music.
For me, it was not just any music – it was SHINee’s.
When I was 8 my parents told me they’re divorcing. I didn’t understand why and my brain tried so hard to forget that period.
All my recollections from the time I was 8 to the time I was 10 are as follows:
- The ‘we’re getting divorced’ conversation
- Living with my mom in a different apartment, and me accidentally flooding it on my birthday
- Moving from Varna to Plovdiv, where I met my stepdad on his apartment’s doorstep
- Meeting my best friend and her moving to Peru some years later
- My first birthday in Plovdiv
- Getting kicked in the face (I’ll share this short story, it’s a fun one)
- My first overnight school trip and me beating a boy on it 🙈
- Throughout the whole period: Intense feeling of guilt that every time I and my stepdad went out, every single person we encountered assumed I was his daughter. I felt that I was betraying my dad with my appearance.
Don’t get me wrong, there was so much more happening in that period – my parents tried to get back together but it didn’t work, I’m pretty sure I met my stepdad before we moved to Plovdiv and I just don’t remember it, adjusting to a whole new city, making and losing new friends, people joking about my ‘Varna’ way of talking, whatever that meant, I gave up on Aikido and began dancing.
The sadness and guilt were overwhelming in that period.
It began forming a deep belief that I am not good enough, that I am responsible for my broken family, that I am unlovable and unwanted. I felt lost without any support from anywhere. I was insecure of making friends and couldn’t keep in touch well.
This is just the background of my journey to where I am today. The first step of that path was finding something that could lift my spirits at any time.
That was SHINee.
I’ve always been obsessed with Japan and Japanese culture. I even wanted to marry a long-haired ginger Japanese man when I grew up. 🙈😂
Around the time I was 10-11, Youtube became popular in Bulgaria and I remember trying to figure out my own music taste, just scrolling around, and suddenly seeing a thumbnail with a long-haired ginger Asian man on it. Immediate click!!!
Lucifer made me dance, swoon, and fangirl for years after that. I became so obsessed I could rap the whole song in Korean and Japanese. It made me happy because I could do something no one else around me could do!
From there, I remember listening to Always Love every time I was sad. A vivid memory is the time I was coming back home alone in the dark, probably after dance training. I don’t remember the reason, but I was very intensely sad and already had a phone with a music player on it.
Walking in the dark, looking at the sky, singing Always Love with tears running down my cheeks. By the end of the song, my heart felt warm as if in a hug. A smile on my face.
That song had the same effect every. single. time.
Later came more songs that could lift my sadness – Fire, Replay, Dazzling Girl (video), JoJo, Hello, and more. Songs that could amplify my joy and good mood – Ring Ding Dong, Sherlock, Dazzling girl (full song), Dream Girl, Boys Meet U, Prism, Excuse me miss, Body Rhythm 👀 (which, btw, is a literal dream come true – I wished for such a SHINee song when I was 15), and so many more.
The SHINee members became my role models.
Surprisingly for a teenage fan, I did not want to date any of them – I wanted to be their friend, to get to know them, and ookay, if things clicked maaybe date one of them 🙈 I definitely had (fine, still do) a big crush on Taemin – he can dance, he’s funny, cute, and he learned to sing, which is so inspiring especially considering I’m trying to do the same. In any case, my fantasies including meeting them and listening to their stories.
The perseverance and positive energy that they exuded was something I needed in my life.
Their solo activities on top of being a band were mind-blowing to me! Their creativity and dances amazed me and I dream of dancing with them. This dream after Jonghyun’s passing in 2017 is never going to be entirely fulfilled. That’s okay, after December 2017 I was broken and even more astonished by the way the members handled such a loss. I hope with all my heart that Bling-bling is in a much happier place and that Taemin, Minho, Key, and Onew are doing good emotionally and enjoying their life.
Yeah, I love SHINee and their music. They played a big role in who I am today. They deserve a song of the week (even of the day but my listening moods don’t change that quickly 😆).
Hopefully one day I’ll get to hear their stories from them and until then – I’ll be listening to their music, practicing my dancing, and uploading it here to get over my ‘not good enough to be a dancer’ fear, and sharing a song per week with you. 🙂
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