I’m afraid

A branch pointing at the moon in the early night

Wanna be, wanna be, wanna be your man…

It’s like I can hear a choir serenading me. But I’ve turned my gaze to the only one who cares about himself – not because he rejected me, but because he embodies who I want to be. Self-sufficient. To put myself first. To live for myself and my pleasure. To make decisions according to my desires and dreams. Yes, he is immensely attractive to me. A burning passion rages between us – we aren’t allowing it to breathe and haven’t even felt its limits. It is kindled by love. By two-sided love. But it is stifled by our mutual unwillingness to connect at this moment. To open up, to be vulnerable and delicate. Not just to each other, but to ourselves.

And I’m scared. Not of him not wanting me. Not of the fact that in my dreams, he’s always with another – like a barrier between me and him. No, I’m afraid of what he awakened in me – the desire and ability to be self-sufficient. I’m scared of relying on myself. It was as if he had opened up a new world to me. A world that I’ve been preparing for, it seems, but so unfamiliar. In the present, it manifests itself as a preparation to go again to a country I know nothing about, in trust to some European international organization, where I will do something that excites me. It manifests itself as a preparation to present to the world the idea that has been on my heart for almost a year, in order to begin its implementation. As time spent in bliss with myself. Even as letting this person go without expecting or hoping for anything. Meeting him was earth-shattering, not just physically, but on a more subtle level. Emotionally, I’m upset/uncomfortable that we didn’t talk as much as or in the way I wanted to. At the same time, I am extremely grateful for the time we spent together. I was challenged to not react and initiate through the multiple visions before I met him, and I couldn’t resist being completely open and relaxed to him and the flow of life. I fear what this world will be like when I have no expectations or hopes. What’s in store for me when I fully let go? I will be in my power, and that power is completely the opposite of what I am used to – my power is in letting go, in waiting, in watching, and in believing that the right things are coming (in)to me. An intimidating power that draws out the best in me, but also the most uncomfortable in order for me to grow. I used to believe that my power came from beginning, from initiating endeavors, and I didn’t understand why they came to a sudden stop. That’s why I don’t seek contact with this person, but I get all fired up when he does. I relax and let the situation unfold as it wants to.

My intuition is screaming at me that I’m on the right path – what is this right path where I’m soaring in the void of the present? Yes, it’s full of sounds, colors, smells, sensations, different temperatures, and as long as you keep your attention on it, the present moment can fill your entire universe. It takes practice, though. And that’s practice I’m gaining now…

The present has no connection to the past or the future. The past leads to here, and the future starts from here. It is like a square where two great streets come together. It is separate and non-linear, more of a circle or square. It’s a space that exists within certain limits and does not continue, but repeats itself modified. The present is constant change. When you stop attaching meaning to the past (whether we are talking about past thoughts, visions, sensations, beliefs, or memories) and bringing it into the present, only then can you truly be. Only when you stop building the future in your head through expectations and hopes does the present fill you from head to toe and beyond. Easy to say, isn’t it? And only people and experiences can make you live it…

Humans are a string of conditions according to Ra Uru Hu (the originator of human design), and situations are “a magical tangle of conventions under which characters think and act” (Tsvetan Angelov). In other words, people find the situations that fit them like puzzle pieces in which their conditions fit the conventions. No wonder the present is the only moment when you can change yourself – only now do you have the necessary conditions to change your own rules and conventions. Expectations and hopes are conditions we place on the outside world, that is, situations we would like to attract, but… do they match our personal conditions?

So, these are the kinds of thoughts that have been going through my head lately. I’m grateful to see how baseless worries and hopes affect and frighten those around me. I’m grateful to feel what it’s like for others to hope for something from you that you either don’t want to or aren’t able to give. I’m grateful for the lesson of letting things flow as they are meant to. I am also grateful to myself for applying that lesson – sometimes successfully, sometimes not. I’m grateful for the person who unlocked my urge to express and manifest myself and my ideas in our fullness. What are you thankful for?

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

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