Two magnets, drawn to each other. A portent sent to one but missed the other. One page at two timelines. Let’s peek into their thoughts…
In the darkness of the night, I look out the window. Strangely, there is no moon but I am reminded of you.
Almost all of my songs, chosen by YouTube tonight are sad love songs, detailing how one misses their counterpart either after a breakup or a fight. Or maybe just distance in time and space as is the case with us. Today I’m not missing you. I humor myself with the fact I sent you a letter – what an old-timey way of expressing myself! How else would I show you my handwriting though? Such a big part of our identities are our hands and our words, when you combine them together you get a feel for who someone is. Maybe that’s why we no longer send letters. It’s so intimate to know someone’s handwriting in a world, where we can express ourselves through 0s and 1s shown as uniform characters and letters.
That’s okay. Effort is scarce in this reality. Effort to love, to be vulnerable, to show your true colors, to give someone the time of day. Isolation and apathy are effortless. Loneliness is effortless. Do we understand that?
I keep looking back at our time together. Hugs, which melted the cages around our hearts. Teasing with a loving lust. A happy feeling we’ve found the ‘one’. A sudden gaze reminds us it’s not safe to be open. It’s dangerous to show your heart, my heart, our heartbeat. But is it really?
I’ve written about the void and how loving it can be once you relax in its uncertainty. Aren’t relationships the same? You get what you invest. I’m content with myself. I have found the path I want to follow, the one, where I don’t mind going the distance alone.
Most of us are terrified of facing the world on our own. We have grown up to believe we are incapable of taking it on or making our dreams come true. Most successful people have done it out of spite to prove others wrong, not thanks to the calm confidence they can. Most people this, most people that – even I’m getting tired of my generalizations. Each of us is unique and carries their own trauma, limits and desires. Loving ourselves enough to display them boldly… that, thankfully, is becoming so much more common in my fragment of reality.
I don’t expect anything. Of life, of you, of my friends. I am grateful for every moment of contentment, of love, of support, of happiness that I feel. If I was greedy, I would never have felt full – I had to go through that to know. I hope you’ll take my word for it and spare yourself that never-ending cycle of burning desire and hollowing disappointment.
Dammit, why are you in my head again? Don’t you see I have work to do?
I told you, I am not looking for a relationship. I told you, I won’t date until I know you’re the one I’ll marry.
Wait… did I just say ‘you’? AGAIN?!
I know I pushed you away. I thought it’s for the best and still do, but this lingering feeling in my chest makes me wonder. My head hurts. It’s like a stone that keeps on growing with every thought or memory of you.
I loved your body – so warm, so sensual, so welcoming. As if made precisely for me. Fulfilling all of my requirements. I did not expect to see it all in one person. It took me by surprise. I hate surprises.
The control over my life is slipping away. No, floating away – like water running through my fingers. There’s nothing I can do, so I resign to my fate of thinking of you.
I must admit, in this tumultuous time of mine, your cheerful attitude and bright eyes keep me warm. If it’s meant to be, I’ll be happy.
I do doubt it – I am sorry for the way I treated you. It is only now that I realize I pushed a good thing away. A healthy one. I felt the pressure of your expectations of me to be something much more than I currently am. I can become all of that and that’s why I’ve focused on myself, not only on my career…
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
How could you turn my world upside down in such a short time?
What else do I have to do for work? When’s that deadline? What about the side gig, there was something more to do… what was it?
It’s okay. It’s safe to be alone. It’s safe to be in love.
I’m also in denial. Such a strong knowing hit me out of left field. Sure, if it’s meant to be – it will be. But what do I do in the mean time?
Facing and conquering my fears. Covering them up in pretty words. Loving on myself and the void. Even if we end up together, in any sense of the word, the void will stay. She will always accompany me. Do you feel her presence too? Or have you learned how to go glide on her edges?
Am I imagining her voice? Let me turn up the music. I have to pack for my trip home. I don’t want to.
Ugh, I still haven’t cooked… I’ll make something easy tonight. Maybe a sandwich, yeah, I’ll make myself a sandwich.
A groove goes through my body and I move it in the rhythm of the music. I like how that tastes in my mouth – rhythm. Rhythm. There is one all around me. I feel helplessly sucked into it.
Only thing I can do is control myself. But my thoughts break free the moment I decide to rest. YouTube, Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok even are useless when that happens. I keep seeing her in my mind’s eye, I keep wondering what is she up to, has she found someone to replace me?
Fuck, I’m great. I’ve done so many good things, met and helped so many people. If she has moved on, her loss. Then why am I obsessing over it again?
Is there anything I can even do? She cut me off that one time. That last time.
Wait, someone’s texting me. Is it her?? No… it’s that guy again. Whatever, it’s better than thinking about her and what ifs.
Hah, isn’t it funny how disillusioned both of them are? They know what will happen but deny themselves the joy of anticipating it. They feel each other at a higher level. Sure, sure, they’re just humans and get scared of that. However, they have us and we’re steering them in the right direction with the necessarily action at the right time.
I wonder… what is that outcome they’re both sensing? Do you feel it too? The wish fulfilment that awaits all of us if we just surrender to our hearts with a clear mind.